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The Age!


Three old men were sitting in the lobby of the senior citizen's home, talking about who had the worst health problems.

The seventy-year-old said, „Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a pee, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out.“

„That's nothing,“ said the eighty year old. „Every morning at 8:30 I have to go to the toilet, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible.“

The ninety-year-old said, „You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I pee like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I sh... like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven.“



A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid.

„This“, he explained, „is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste.“

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth.

His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust.

But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. „If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth.“

Born Blonde 1


A blonde stops her little car at a traffic sign. A homeless man knocks on the side window and asks if she has a cigarette for him. She gives him one and continues to drive.

When she stops at the next road sign, the homeless man again taps her side window and asks her for fire. She gives him fire and continues to drive.

When she stops at the next traffic sign, the homeless again knocks at her side window. She turns the car window down and asks him amazed. “How do you do that? Every time I stop, you are standing beside my car and knock on my window?”

The homeless man stretches out his hand and says, “Give me 20 dollars, and I'll show you how to get out of the roundabout.”



Born Blonde 2


A blonde drives into a car in front of her at a traffic light.

The driver rushes out and yells at her: „You stupid bitch! Did you ever do a driving test?“

The blondie rants, „Certainly more often than you! "



Born Blonde 3


A blonde in court. The Judge says after the hearing, “I will close the case. There was not enough evidence that you stole the 500 dollars.“

The blonde is delighted: „Great! That means I can keep the money?“



Born Blonde 4


The man asks his blond wife in the wedding night: „Have you had many men before me?“

Minutes of silence. „Oh, I'm sorry if I hurt you.“

„No, no. I'm still counting.“

Very busy


An inebriated man walks into a bar, sits down and demands a drink. “Get out,” says the bartender. “I don't serve drunks here”.

The drunken man staggers out the front door, only to come back in through the side door. He sits at the bar and demands a drink.

“I just told you to get out. Now leave!” The drunk stumbles out the side door and comes back through the back door. Once again, he sits at the bar and loudly asks for a drink.

The bartender yells  “I told you, no drunks allowed. Now get out!”

The drunk looks up at the bartender, “How many bars do you work at, anyway?”



A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when a brand-new BMW drives up in a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks: “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his flock and calmly answers: “Sure. Why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, calls up a GPS satellite navigation system that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

Within seconds, he gets an answer and uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. He prints it out on his miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says: “You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”

“That’s right. Take one of my sheep, then”, says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the shepherd says to the young man: “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a consultant.” says the shepherd.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required”, answered the shepherd. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don’t know crap about my business …

Now give me back my dog.”


Visit on Christmas Eve


A family sits in the livingroom, singing Christmas carols. The door bell is ringing and the little daughter runs to the door. She opens it and there stands Santa Claus: He looks at the little girl and says: “Ho ho ho, little girl. What would you like to grab in my sack?” The girl runs back to her parents, yelling: ”Mama, mama, the old pervert of last year is back again!”



Fred staggered home very late and very drunk. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. He slipped and landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke. Managing not to yell, Fred  pulled down his pants, and saw that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of band-aids and began putting a band-aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Fred woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Lena staring at him from across the room. She said, “You were drunk again last night, Fred!” “How can you say such a mean thing?” “Well,” Lena said, “it could be the open front door, the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house, your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ... it's all those band-aids stuck on the hall mirror.”

Trip for two


A travel agent, the owner of the agency, looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world offered to his customers.

The agency had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave the owner a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop: “I know that you are probably on pensions so you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take a no for an answer.”

He then instructed his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel in the Caribbean. As can be expected, the couple was a bit embarrassed but they gladly accepted the generous offer and were off!

About a month later, the little old lady came in to his shop.  “And how did you like your holiday?” the owner asked eagerly.

“The flight was exciting, the room was lovely and the location was a dream!” she said.  “I've come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the whole trip with?”

Have a good Flight!


The passengers are waiting in an airplane to leave the airport.

Finally, the entrance door opens and two men in pilot uniforms come down the aisle. Both wear dark sun-glasses.

One of the two is lead by a guide dog on a leash, while the other is groping his way along the corridor with a white cane.

The passengers start to murmur uneasily and there are nervous conversations, but the men, unwaveringly, go into the cockpit, close the door and then start the engines of the airplane.

Passengers cast nervous glances to each other, and try to find some sign that this just some kind of bad joke.

The machine accelerates and gets faster and faster.

The people on the window seats notice that at the end of the runway there is nothing else but the sea.

When seems as if the machine will shoot directly into the sea, the cabin is filled with desperate screams.

But at the same moment, the machine lifts gently.

In the cockpit, the pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, “You know Bob, one day the people will scream too late, and then we will all die.”